Column: The truth about Woods´ President´s Cup selection
As we all sit in breathless anticipation for yet another “return” from the former world’s best golfer last week, we found out about his selection to the forthcoming President’s Cup matches being held in Melbourne, Australia, in November, too. The company line is that Fred Couples picked Tiger Woods for the team. If you believe that then we have a nice old bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
Actually it went like this…
FRED COUPLES- Hello?
TIM FINCHEM-Freddy, this is Tim, Tim Finchem calling.
FRED- Timmy, let me find the remote, it’s around here somewhere. What’s happenin’, Tim?
TIM- I just want to talk to you about the President’s Cup.
FRED- Yeah, what about it?
TIM- You are taking Tiger Woods for the team with one of your captain’s picks.
FRED- What? You gotta be kiddin’ me. The guy sucks. He’s got no game anymore. I thought it was my choice?
TIM- Let me explain a few things to you Freddy. First of all, I am the Commissioner which makes me the Grand Exalted Ruler of all of golf. The President’s Cup is my baby and I’m trying to copy the Ryder Cup since the PGA of America owns that one, you know, like I’ve been trying to make The Players a major for years. Secondly, it’s all about money and I’m in the middle of negotiating the new TV contract and I need Tiger’s face in the news. Besides I got a call from that Steinberg manager and he told me I needed to do it, ya know, for the good of the game which means for the good of Tiger’s pocketbook so he can jack up his appearance fees in Australia. He got nicked pretty good in that divorce and, as I’m sure you know, that’s a big hit to take and all his other sponsors bailed.
FRED- So, you don’t care if we lose because I have to put the 50th ranked player in the world out there?
TIM- No, I don’t. It’s all about ratings and money Freddy and The Golf Channel has over 50 hours of air time to fill so we need plenty of features where Kelly Tilghman can fawn over Tiger and continue to try make up for her lynching faux pas by kissing his tush in public.
FRED- What about the guys who worked their tails off to get on the team and played really good golf this year, like say Keegan Bradley?
TIM- Life sucks and then you die Freddy. Who cares about Keegan Bradley? He won the PGA Championship and I, er, I mean we, don’t own that one.
FRED- Ya, like whatever. I’m going back to my nap.Written by Wayne Mills
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